The Simple Things Part 2

22. Elf...no, not little people. The movie.

23. Tea. Not drinking it. Just seeing the 200 boxes of different flavors I have.

24. Candles. Maybe it's the aromatheapy aspect.
25. Going out to dinner. Food always tastes so much better when someone else cooks and cleans up.
26. A clean house. I hate the process but love the end result.

27. Walking around the house in just underwear. I despise clothing.

28. Sleeping. I can sleep on command and 24 hours a day.
29. The smell of bleached whites.
30. Listening to Freedom by George Michael (I know I'll get shit for this one lol).
31. When my son falls asleep on me. It makes me feel useful.
32. Rain in the summer.
33. Jumping in puddles.

34. Jumping on the bed.
35. My nephew's dragon slippers. They go up to the middle of his calves and look like dragon feet. I'm soo jealous!
36. Rain boots.
37. Lightening.

38. Blues music. Funny that blues make me happy.
39. When I think my bofriend is sleeping and I'm getting dressed and he says "sweet ass".
40. My kitchen table. A hand-me-down from my boss. It WAS just a wood one, but I spray painted it black and put skull decals on each corner.
41. Laying on the beach.
42. Sedona Arizona. Aboslutely magical place.

43. Being in a plane. I love flying. I wanted to join the airforce when I graduated high school but the parents wouldn't let me.

To be continued.......



The Simple Things

Since this is a bad time of year for me...and since I usually slip up and fuck up and walk around like a zombie this time of year...and since I have a child to think of now..and since I don't have the time to slip up and fuck up...I'm trying to compile a list of things, in no particular order, that make me happy. Maybe it will take my mind off of things and put it in a new direction.

1. My son Luke. You saved me from myself. I now understand unconditional love and would kill for you.

2. My boyfriend Jason. I've revealed myself to you and yet you still stay. I love you with all my heart.

3. My stepson Devyn. You've forced me to re-evaluate myself and prepare for parenthood. I love you as if you were my own.

4. Driving in my car w/ a crappy cup of gas station coffee, smoking a cigarette and turning the music up all the way. I used to just get in my car and do this to clear my head.

5. Drinking coffee at home out of my 2 favorite mugs. My smiley face one and, a newer addition, my New Orleans one.

6. Trees. Laying under one in the middle of the summer with the sun beating down on me, sweating my ass off, wasting time. One of my #1 goals is to get to Africa and do this under an Acacia tree.

7. Moss. It's like carpet...outside

8. Getting under the covers with bare feet.

9. Waking up in the morning realizing I have nothing to do and falling back asleep.

10. My boyfriend's shoulder. It can put me at ease instantly.

11. Stripes. Especially striped socks.

12. My son's smile and laugh. It can and has brought me to tears.

13. Books. Just the smell of them makes me feel at home.

14. Clifford, my stuffed platypus. Yes...I still sleep with a stuffed animal and I'm not ashamed :)

15. Gardening. It makes me feel good to help something grow.

16. When my boyfriend eats all the food on his plate and gets more.

17. Skulls. I have no idea why.

18. A really, really hot shower.

19. A really, really hot bath with the lights off.

20. Cookies and a really cold glass of milk.

21. Muay Thai/Kickboxing. It's taught confidence within myself and that if I just push myself a little bit harder I can accomplish most anything.

I'm sure there are more things and I'll add them as I go.

Love = Violence

Why does my 2 month old son Luke's smile and laugh bring me to tears?

He's so damn cute I just wanna squeeze his little face off

Ouch, my brain hurts

E = mc2.  The infamous equation that we all know and know who came up with it but hardly any of us knows what it means. Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. How the hell did he come up with that? How is one mind so much more superior than another? Is he "wired" differently? Does he use parts of his brain that others don't? Is it genetic or is it learned? Nature vs nurture. Did you know that Einstein helped in the creation of the A Bomb? Due to his discovery of splitting the atom we decided to use that in war. Einstein wrote President Roosevelt a letter warning him that certain german scientists were figuring out nuclear energy and how to use that in the most destructive way. Instead of stopping this,  America decided to create it first and use it. How very sad. How very sad it is that a genius, who said "theres got to be something smaller than an atom".  A genius who didn't take the norm as fact and questioned it and figured out how to prove that the atom is not the smallest form of matter, wished he never did. Where would our world be if we still thought there was nothing smaller than an atom. Just 1 person figured this out by questioning the norm. It blows my mind.
What exactly is the human brain?

I can give you the scientific answer. It's made up of 3 different parts.
1. The Hindbrain which is the oldest part of the human brain and is the most primitive. It's in charge of our most primitive functions and basic functions. There are 4 areas in this part of the brain. The spinal cord which is like an information superhighway. It carries information to and from the brain to the rest of the body. The Medulla Oblongata (thank you Adam Sandler) which helps control the autonomic functions like respiration, heart rate or digestion. The pons which has a role in your level of your arousal or consiousness and sleep. And the cerebellum which helps regulate movement, posture and balance.
2.The Limbic System or the "emotional brain" which is the next part of the brain which evolved. It's where our emotions reside and memories begin. The two combined together to mark behaviors with positive and negative feelings. It also plays a role in salience (one of my favorite words),  spontaniety and creativity. There are 4 parts to this system as well. The amygdala which helps in storing emotional charged memories, especially fear. It triggers responses like sweaty palms, freezing, increased heart beat and stress hormone release. The hippocanthus which is plays the primary role in memory formation, classifying information, and long term memory. It processes and stores new and temporary memories.  The hypothalamus. It monitors and controls your sleep/wake cycle, homeostasis, apetite and thirst. It also plays a role in emotions, autonomic and motor functions. The thalmus which is where your sensory signals are.
3.The Neocortex which is the most evolved part of your brain. It takes up 2/3 of the human brain. It helps develop language, abstract thought, consiousness and imagination. It's made of up the left and right hemisphere. The left side of the brain controls the right side of your body and vice versa. The right side of your brain is concerned with art and music and the left side is concerned with rational verbal and more mathematical aspects. Within the neocortex are 6 areas. The frontal lobe which is the most recent evolutionary addition to the brain. It's the center for command and in control of your body. It's responsible for reasoning, problem solving, judgement, and impulses. It's the last part to develop as young aduts which could explain a lot. It also manages empathy and altruism. The parietal lobe processes pain and touch sensations. Also related to cognition, movement, orientation, recognition and speech. The temporal lobe which is connected to your auditory sensations, language recognition, emotion, memory and speech. The occipital lobe controls visual sensation and processing. Brocas area controls speech and language recognition and facial nerves. Last but not least is the corpus callosum. This is the neuro bridge that connects the two hemipheres to eachother.

Okay...what was the point of this all??? I went off on a little bit of a rant.  I have no idea where I was going with this. Well, if you got through reading all the stupid science book stuff, or if you were smart and skipped it, good for you either way. College taught me something I guess. Okay e=mc2, Einstein, brain functions...I'm starting to get my train of thought back. How does a genius like Einstein come up with these things?

It's crazy how the human brain works. Is it a part of you or are you a part of it. This small squishy thing held inside of your skull allows you to breath, blink, talk, walk, every part of your existence is held and controlled by your brain.

One of my favorite books is called "Brain Story" by Susan Greenfield. She was writing about her first experience dissecting a human brain. She said "I was holding the very essence of a person. Although lifeless, this pickled object still, in some sense, held a person's memories, fears and dreams. Would a bit scraped under my fingernail - if I had not been wearing gloves - contain a particular memory or dream." In other words, your memories, fears, dreams, desires...any thought you could possibly have is tangeable, touchable, concrete, solid.

I guess what I wonder is...do you define your brain? Or does your brain defne you? Sometimes I feel like it's a different entity than I am. Like we're in a constant struggle for power. It bothers me that it's a part of me but it controls me. My entire personality and everything that shapes me is held there. I think my brain defines me and I have absolutely no control over it, especially today.

Sweetheart, it's your decision, as long as it's the same as mine...

 

Thanksgiving. A fun filled day of food and family, appreciation for what you have. A time to forgive and forget and just enjoy the company of each other. A meal can really bring a family together. Then where the hell did everyone go?

I was sitting at my mom's dinning room table. Around me was my mom, dad, brother, sister in law, uncle, grandmother and my boyfriend. My grandmother. A lively, dogmatic 89 year old italian woman, asks me when I plan to baptize Luke, my 8 week old son. I look around for some mental support but it's funny....everyone seemed to dissipate into thin air. I could hear giggling from the kitchen which was right next to the dinning room but separated by a wall. "Mom!" I said loudly. "You're on your own" she said loud enough for me to hear but just low enough for my grandmother's questionable hearing. "Christina", my grandmother says. "Do you plan on baptizing him?" "Daddy!" I say a little louder in my cute little girl voice, hoping for some sympathy. I just hear a giggle. "Jay!!" I said to my boyfriend in a not-so-forgiving voice. I saw him peak around the corner with a shit eating grin on his face.

To make a long story short, my grandmother thinks me and my entire family, including my 8 week old son, will be going to the fiery pits of hell.

Here's the long version...
I'm sitting across from my grandmother, whom I might add, I adore. I'm wearing my usual attire of jeans and t-shirt...with some sort of skull on it. Tattoos of pagan ruins on each inner part of my wrist, "no regrets" on the top part of my arm, a tree which takes up my entire back and a pentagram on the lower part of my back. I have my nose pierced since I was 15 years old, my tongue since 19, and my recent metal addition, my lip, which she hasn't mentioned yet. "What's that in your lip" she said. Ok well that didn't take long for her to notice.  "Why do you let the devil lead you" she said. I thought that was a little dramatic...it was only a hole in my lip. I didn't know the devil preferred lip piercings. That's when she asked me when I was baptizing Luke and that's when everyone vanished into thin air. The devil's work? Just me and her...

I'm not a very religious person. Not at all actually. I don't believe in any religion. I don't believe in a higher power, I don't believe in anything. No god...no nothing. I was raised catholic. I went through it all, baptism, communion and confirmation. They've been waiting patiently for marriage. I went and got knocked up before I got married. Maybe that's when the devil's work began. Where did they go wrong? Her tattooed, pierced, unwed, childbearing first granddaughter.

It doesn't piss me off that she's pushing her views on me. I'm used to that from my family. The conversation with my mother usually goes along the lines of...you were raised catholic and that's what you are. Like my actual beliefs don't matter because I was raised a certain way. It doesn't matter if you believe in my god or your god...as long as you believe in A god. Then I proceed to tell her I don't believe in any god.

I don't look down upon people who believe in god like most non-religious people do. I love religion and I read about it a lot. I've learned about all different types of religion. It's an interesting topic to me. A good concept. It can answer a lot of different unknown questions. How did life begin, who created the universe, why did someone close to me die and what happens. . I envy people who believe in a god. They have someone or something to go to in a time of need. When they're sad or upset or don't know what to do, they can pray. When they do something wrong they can ask for forgiveness. Me? I have to deal with all of these things on my own. I don't believe there is something out there to give me strength and guide me. Just myself.

I went to classes when I was little to teach of the catholic religion. I'm not sure when or why exactly I stopped believing in god. I started questioning things. The main question I asked myself was if god created the universe some 6,000 years ago...there's evidence of life loooong before that. I didn't quite understand that. It didn't add up to me. Did they not speak of the dinosaurs? Did they not speak of the Neanderthals? It made sense how the creation of religion began, when people didn't understand natural disasters or know there were other human type people before us. Thunder, lightening, tsunamis, hurricanes etc. It's a logical thought that someone from the sky created all of these. It made sense to me that people didn't know life existed before humans because there were no archeological findings of dinosaur bones. But we have evidence of all of this now. How thunder, lightening, tsunamis, hurricanes and the like are created and why. These are facts not theories, not stories told by your grandmother who was told from her grandmother who was told from her grandmother. Hard evidence, feasable evidence. You can touch it, look at it.

I think us as humans, intelligent, thinking, evolved beings need to search for truth. And that which we don't quite understand yet and possibly never will, I will not lay upon the hands of god. I will not lay back and say that when I die I will go to heaven or hell or wherever you believe I will go. I can't accept something just because someone told me to. I can't do something a certain way just because that's how I grew up. That's when evolution truly stops. When you stop questioning things and stay the same.

I didn't mind so much that my grandmother was talking to me about her beliefs. I can discuss religion with anyone. What I minded was that simply because I wasn't baptizing my child that she believes the devil is guiding me and me and my children will go to hell. It makes me a bad person in her eyes. I'm probably the only one that talks to her like a human being. Doesn't yell at her or get annoyed with her. I would hand a friend all the money in possession if they needed it and give them the shirt off my back and the shoes off my feet. But these things aren't taken into consideration when defining a person? Simply because I don't believe in god, especially her god. That's pretty close minded to me. She told me" sweetheart, you're the mother and it's your decision". When I told her my decision was to not baptize Luke she said "well I don't think your decision is right". Apparently it's my decision as long as it's the same as her's.

My First

     Since I have no followers yet I'd like to welcome myself!!! I've come about this site from visiting my good friend and coworker Suzanne's blog. I've always been undecided if I wanted to create one. On one hand I'm a very open person and on the other hand I'm extremely private. The older I get the more open I seem to become. Maybe it's because I'm not worried as much about being judged. Maybe it's because I've learned how to leave the past in the past. Maybe it's because I've learned or am learning how to deal with the past. I'm going to dig waaaaay down deep into the depths of my psyche to make this exceedingly honest so those who choose to follow get a glimpse of me they hopefully never saw before. Perhaps they will learn something. Perhaps they will like this. Perhaps they will hate this. Regardless, I hope they keep reading.
    To be judged. What does it really mean and why does it really matter? What is so important about someone else's opinion of you? If you change yourself to influence the persons opinion is it really an honest judgement? If you choose not to reveal something about yourself is that the same thing?
    I used to write. I used to love writing. It was my way of getting all my insides out. My brain never shuts up. I love questions and I love asking questions. Questions make you think just a little deeper. The question "why" is the best. It doesn't allow you to just settle and give up and just accept any answer.
     I stopped writing and I'm not sure why. I used to use writing as an outlet but I think I found something else to use as an outlet. I'm sure that "something else" will come out in later blogs. My past is what I try to hide the most. I'm 29 years old and I'm still dealing with certain events from my past. I haven't truly gotten over them and perhaps the fear of being judged and hiding it is whats keeping me from getting past my past.
     This first blog is probably all over the place. Again....the worry of being judged is clouding my brain and I'm trying to find the courage to be exceptionally honest. The worry of my parents reading it or my brother or my boyfriend or coworkers. But that's the point of this right? Shouldn't they be the people that know me best? There I go with my questions again.
     Bear with me as I try to figure out this site and how to place things where like pictures etc. My main goal is to bear my soul for whoever reads this as well as learn some things about myself.  I would love to hear comments and any question I ask and you have an answer to or an experience related to it or if it makes you think of something and ask another question, I'd love to hear it.